


Catch up with the past, before it catches up with you.

by ChariteFanfiction



Category: Charité | Charité at War (TV)
Genre: Fanfiction, Fear, Forbidden Love, M/M, Post-War, Secret Relationship, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:53:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27100756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChariteFanfiction/pseuds/ChariteFanfiction
Summary: Martin had run away from his past for about five years, but after the war he had to realise that this wasn’t possible any longer.
Relationships: Otto Marquardt/Martin Schelling
Comments: 12
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a quote of Robert Palmer (just googled for a suitable one and found this. Don't know who this guy was.)
> 
> Well, there is another story in this fandom, touching a similar thought but it has never been completed, so I decided to write my own little fanfic about it.

Otto’s silent snoring was the only audible sound in the small apartment.

Martin and Otto had offered to share a flat, so that there would be enough space for all staff at Charité. When Sauerbruch had allocated the available rooms, he had been sorry for Martin and Otto only getting the nurse’s former flat, but they had been quite happy about that. Nobody had to know that they willingly shared the tiny bed in there instead of letting one of them sleep on an uncomfortable mattress on the ground.

Usually, Otto’s strong arms were everything Martin needed to feel comfortable and safe, but it was different today. Martin stared into the darkness, caused by a power outage, trying hard not to panic.

He was so glad that Otto’s wish had become reality. He really slept without fear by now, peaceful as a baby, but Martin himself couldn’t. His mind was roiling, and memories came up. Memories he tried to suppress badly.

Suddenly, he couldn’t bear the feeling of Otto’s warm body next to his own any longer, so he disentangled himself carefully from Otto, trying not to wake him. Slowly, Martin sat up and grabbed his wooden leg which lay on the floor. 

When he started to put it on, the feeling of guilt hit him hard. _He_ was alive, _he_ was safe. A twinge of self-loathing made him fasten his prosthesis far too tight, so the leather carved in his skin but the pain in his leg felt nearly like relief. It was a sense of control, he needed badly even though he knew that this was the wrong way to handle his guilt.

Martin stood up and limped out of the small room. He didn’t exactly know where he wanted to go, but a few minutes later found himself in the attic and went to the window. The window where Otto had been shot and Martin cursed himself for coming here. His feeling of guilt increased immediately when he spotted the small hole in the windowpane.

Feeble, Martin sank to the ground, his right knee protesting against the uncomfortable position, but the nurse didn’t move any further. He just stared out of the window, but instead of the nightly city he saw his latest patient’s in his mind’s eye. 

Nearly all of them were former concentration camp prisoners. Starved men, women and even children, their eyes dull and without any life in them. They were traumatised, some of them never said a word, too afraid of what could happen to them… Many of them would die soon, too exhausted to fight for a life that would never be happy-go-lucky again. Martin felt guilty. He couldn’t help these poor people, so he had to watch them die…

Martin once more wondered how humans could harm others in such a cruel way. What had been wrong with them? The nurse wanted to scream and cry out of pure anger and frustration, but he couldn’t. For a second, he felt completely empty, but then, the guilt was back.

Had it been his fault that Wilhelm had been deported? What had they done to him? Was he still alive? Still alive and completely broken? If he was still alive, he had been tortured for five years then. Were humans able to survive that for so long?

Martin didn’t exactly know how much time had passed when he heard steps behind him. Otto.

“Hey, my love. What are you doing here?” The doctor asked fondly as he sat down nest to Martin, kissing the older man’s temple softly.

“Couldn’t sleep.”

To ask why Otto was there as well was nonsense because Martin knew the answer anyway. The younger man had noticed that his lover was gone and knew quite well where to find him…

“You should go back to bed. You have the morning shift…” He added instead.

“So have you. Come with me.” Otto replied but Martin shook his head. He was sure that there wouldn’t be any sleep for him tonight. Too many thoughts and memories haunted him, so he preferred watching the sunrise instead of lying in a bed without sleeping. He wanted to watch the sunrise so many others were not able to see…

Otto sighed. “What’s up, Martin? I know that you are not doing well, you barely speak anymore. Please talk to me!” Otto’s tone was gentle, begging and maybe even a bit sad. 

Dammit. He had to tell Otto why he had started to distance himself again from everyone in the last days. Martin realised that Otto slowly assumed that it was because of him, but that was nonsense.

“I… I can’t. I’m too weak…”

Silence occurred.

Then, Otto got up and went to a small, dusty cupboard before coming back, a thin blanket in his hands.

“You are not weak, believe me. But if you don’t want to speak, then let us be silent together.”

Martin just hummed as reply, but really appreciated that his lover accepted that he refused to talk about what distressed him. Otto never insisted on answers and Martin was so glad about it.

The young doctor sat down, spread the blanket over them and snuggled up against Martin without saying a word. Slowly, the nurse stretched out his aching leg while pulling Otto closer. He realised how badly he needed his boyfriend. Now that the other one was awake; he gave him the feeling of not being alone…

Together, they watched the sun slowly rising at the horizon. A peaceful sight. Ridiculously peaceful…

And then, the depressing feeling was replaced by hope. A new day begun. A new day and they were both alive and sat there together. He was not alone, and he knew that Otto would always be there for him, so he made a decision. He would tell Otto everything about Wilhelm and his first relationship, maybe they could find a solution for Martin’s problem. He had a problem, obviously. His pulsatile stump proofed it…

“You know that I love your wooden leg, but I bet it will be more comfortable for both of us if you take it off.” Otto whispered as if he read Martin’s mind.

Dammit. If he took off his prosthesis now, Otto would know immediately that the nurse had hurt himself deliberately and Otto shouldn’t know _that_!  
Martin didn’t know how to react, so he hesitated too long. The expression of concern appeared on the other’s face.

“Is something wrong with your leg?”

“No, everything is alright.” Martin hurried to say but it rang hollow even in his own ears.

“That’s not true. Show me!” Otto demanded, making Martin panic slightly. 

Without thinking any further, Martin struggled to his feet, ready to escape Otto, but he was too slow. The doctor caught his hand and stopped him.

“What’s the matter, Martin?” He whispered, the expression of disappointment in his eyes. “Please show me your leg.” He added making Martin sigh heavily.

“You… you wouldn’t want to see that.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned out to be completely different than I expected it to be... I'm not sure if I like or hate it.  
> Imagine that for this fanfiction, Martin would have never given Pervitin to Lohmann.  
> Well... enjoy reading anyway;)

“Martin, I’m a medic. I bet I’ve seen worse things than your leg.” Otto pointed out confidently, making Martin sigh quietly. Of course, Otto had seen worse injuries, he had seen people die… But this was different. Otto was definitely not aware of how broken Martin really was and Martin wanted to protect the younger man so badly. He wanted his boyfriend to be as happy as possible now that they were safer than ever since they had gotten to know each other. Otto was coping so well and was everyone’s sunshine…

Slowly, Martin sat down again. Usually, the doctor accepted when his lover refused to speak, but this time, Martin realised, Otto would stick to his guns. With slightly trembling hands, he took off his prosthesis revealing his extremely reddened leg. Otto gasped, when he saw the pressure sores that were obviously not caused by a poorly fitted prosthesis.

“Why… did you do that?” Otto whispered faintly and Martin felt not strong enough to look at his boyfriend directly, so he lowered his head and clenched his teeth.

“It felt good…” That was the truth, but it felt awkward to enunciate it and Martin was more ashamed of himself now…

For a second, Otto didn’t say a word. Martin raised his head slowly and regretted it nearly immediately when he saw the expression on his lover’s face. There was a mixture of disappointment and pain in the other’s eyes that made Martin feel queasy.

“Am I not reliable enough?”

No, no, no! Otto shouldn’t start blaming himself because of _Martin’s_ behaviour. 

“Otto…no. It’s not your fault. I trust you more than anyone else! I wanted to tell you… I wanted to speak… but it was too much for me.”

‘Dammit, Schelling! You are a coward’ A voice in his head whispered. Why hadn’t he told Otto about his anxiety and his problems earlier? Martin buried his face in his hands. He was such an idiot!

“It was too much for you to tell me that you don’t love me anymore. That’s why you tried to avoid spending time with me. You want to break up, right?” Otto asked, his voice barely hearable. 

What? Martin’s head jerked up. Otto thought that he didn’t love him anymore? That had never been Martin’s intention. “No!” Martin stood up and grabbed Otto’s shoulders ruggedly. “Don’t think that! I love you, Otto Marquardt!” Martin barely used these words, that was true, but he never thought that Otto could misinterpret his behaviour in that way. The nurse hoped so badly that he could convince his lover with telling him how he felt about him, but there was still some doubt visible in those beautiful blue eyes. “I love you more than anything else in this world!” The nurse repeated and kissed Otto softly.

“Then tell me what bothers you so much. I want to help you, but I can’t when I don’t know the problem!” Otto pulled away with these words, making Martin sigh. Otto was right. 

“I don’t know if I can tell you everything… Some things are too painful to even think about and I tried to block them out for such a long time…” Martin replied a bit calmer now that Otto seemed to believe him.

Otto caressed Martin’s cheek. “I’ll give you the time you need, but don’t force me to watch how it is tearing you apart!”

Martin sighed again. Running away was no option any longer and though it felt a bit like relief. “Let’s sit down. It’ll be a long story.” He whispered then and let Otto help him with sitting down.

“I think I realised soon that I was different than the other boys in my class. Well, I had some friends and came along quite well with most of the other pupils, but it always felt like I didn’t fit in this system. When I was 15, I had to start working in a factory producing electronic devices and had to quit school because my mother got some trouble with paying our rent…” 

Otto huddled against Martin’s shoulder and grabbed the nurse’s hand. Martin realised that he had never told his boyfriend something about his family before.

“And your father? Couldn’t he have helped you?”

“My…father never wanted children, so he left my mother when he found out that she was pregnant. I don’t even know his name.”

Otto looked at him apologetically. “I’m sorry, Martin. I shouldn’t have asked…”

“No, it’s alright, you didn’t know that. I should have told you earlier… Well, at work I entirely realised that I was not interested in girls at all. When the other employees went out for dates, I preferred to be at home alone. But it changed when my mother got addicted to alcohol and some other drugs. I was 19 when I found out, I guess. Soon, my safe home transformed into hell. At some point, my mother didn’t go to work anymore, she just stayed at home, cried, and shouted at me, whenever I was there. She blamed me for not being a charming boy who could easily marry a rich woman and solve all our money issues with that… I avoided going home as often as possible and walked through the streets of Berlin instead…”

The guilt nearly overwhelmed Martin. In fact, this wasn’t the thing he had wanted to talk about, but it was the beginning of his relationship with Wilhelm. While he remembered it, he realised that this part of his past bothered him as well… 

He had let his mother down. Of course, he had tried to get rid of all the alcohol, he had found in their tiny flat when she wasn’t at home, but it just had made her furious. Nothing what he had tried had stopped her from drinking. She had destroyed herself and he had had to watch the whole process powerlessly. It still felt like this had been _his_ fault. He had failed and never had gotten the chance to make good on his mistakes… One day in 1941, he had received a letter from his former neighbour, informing him about his mother’s death. Ironically, it was just a few days before he had nearly died himself… The guilt and the suppressed grief still felt like a knife in Martin’s heart.

Otto hugged him tightly without saying a word. Martin dug his fingers into his boyfriend’s shirt and pulled him closer.

“Your mother isn’t alive anymore, is she?” Otto whispered softly, making Martin sob and that was enough for Otto to guess the answer.

“Shh, darling. It was not your fault… No 19-year-old boy can safe someone from addiction without any knowledge about psychology.”

Otto was right again, Martin knew it, but still felt like he must have done anything to prevent this…

Nobody said a word in the next few minutes and they just sat on the ground their bodies entangled. Otto stroked Martin’s hair affectionately.

“Martin, I know that talking about your past isn’t easy for you, but I’m so glad that you trust me with that, because a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved… I will always be there for you, my love.”


	3. Chapter 3

Maybe this was the first time in his life that Martin nearly understood why other people liked to talk. Yes, telling Otto about his past was hard and painful, but in the end, he had to admit that it was liberating… But the feeling of Otto’s warm, soft lips at his temple reminded Martin of the worst part of his story and the terrible guilt was back again. Martin knew that if he hesitated any longer, he would never speak of Wilhelm, so he took a deep breath.

“One day, after my shift, I stood in front of the factory, thinking about what I could do instead of going home. Well, that was when I met him the first time.”

Otto tensed up immediately when he heard Martin’s words. It had to be obvious who Martin had met back then. The young nurse hadn’t even thought about the possibility that Otto could be jealous, but obviously he was. Well, when Martin remembered the way he had been jealous of Christel, he realised that he would be a bit jealous as well if Otto told him about his former relationships. He didn’t want to share Otto with any other person who was not part of his family…

For a short moment, Martin didn’t know how to go on with this story. He didn’t want to offend Otto, but Wilhelm had been his boyfriend back then and that as a fact… 

Martin pulled his boyfriend closer. He _had_ been in love with Wilhelm, but it didn’t change anything about his strong feelings for Otto.

“The man, Wilhelm, invited me to spend the evening at his flat.”

Martin wondered how many details he should tell Otto, but when he looked at Otto’s pale face, he knew that he had to keep it short. It would be easier for both of them anyway.

“It was a funny evening and we started to spend our breaks together, because we worked at the same factory. We also met at his flat regularly. I don’t know how it happened, but one evening, we found ourselves on Wilhelm’s sofa, kissing each other.”

It was awkward to tell Otto about his first kiss with _another_ man. It felt so wrong, but Martin’s heart beat faster when he remembered this situation, the first time he had had the chance to be completely himself. No lying anymore. With Wilhelm, he had been a homosexual without being ashamed of it, because he hadn’t been alone with his feelings. It had been the first time in his life that he hadn’t felt like a stranger. 

Martin wanted to scream or cry. He was so confused by all the different feelings hitting him at the same time and Otto’s slightly pained expression didn’t make it easier. Of course, Otto tried to hide his feelings, but Martin had always been good at reading them.

Martin didn’t want to see Otto as aggrieved as he looked now. He wanted to see the real, loving smile, that Otto only used for him, so badly. He wanted to protect his boyfriend at all cost, but there was still the damn guilt that made it impossible to forget about Wilhelm. He had been in love with him as well…

“Wilhelm’s flat was a safe shelter for me. Our relationship was an exciting adventure…”

This was the truth. It had been an adventure, a completely different relationship than the one he had with Otto.

The young doctor had closed his eyes and didn’t say a word, just waiting for Martin continuing the story.

“One day, he didn’t come to work. It was one of the days, I had spent at my own ‘home’, so I really wondered why he didn’t come… His flat was not far away from the factory, so I went there in my short break. I wanted to look after him and thought that he just had overslept or was ill… But it was not Wilhelm who opened the door…”

The memory hurt and he could still feel the panic. He could still feel the knowing gaze of the officer, when he asked him about his name and the reason for his visit…

“They only had a suspicion that Wilhelm seduced someone. Their witness was not entirely sure, they told me afterwards… The arrest was my fault, Otto… Just because I was so careless… Everything was my fault!”

The guilt was nearly too painful, and it felt like his heart was bursting. Tears welled up behind his eyes and he dug his fingernails in the irritated skin of his bad leg. Again, he tried to compensate his psychic pain with physical pain.

For a second, he just wanted to be alone with his guilt. He was a damn monster! How could Otto stay, now that he knew about Martin’s horrible mistakes? But his boyfriend didn’t go away. On contrary, he just held Martin in his strong arms, stroked his back and kissed his tousled hair.

“Why do you stay?” Martin sobbed into Otto’s shirt.

“Because I love you, darling.” Otto whispered into his hair.

“Why?”

“Because you are wonderful.”

“But maybe I killed Wilhelm.” Wilhelm and so many others in the Balkan campaign… “What if I make such a big mistake again and risk your life as well?”

Otto grabbed Martin’s shoulders and gently pushed him away so they could see each other’s faces. Affectionately, Otto caressed Martin’s cheek.

“You didn’t kill him. You just wanted to look after the one… you loved. There’s nothing condemnable about what you did.” There was still some jealousy in Otto’s voice noticeable, but the convincing expression in his eyes helped Martin to calm down, at least a bit. Though, Martin didn’t reduce the pressure on his leg and his fingernails still dug into his sensitive skin.

Otto looked at him more closely in the dim morning light and he frowned suddenly when Martin’s leg caught his eye. The concern on Otto’s face was back and he grabbed Martin’s hand hastily to pull it away from his leg.

“Why do you hurt yourself?” The sadness in Otto’s eyes nearly overwhelmed Martin. Yes, why did he do that? Because it helped him handle his guilt, but Otto wouldn’t understand…

“The arrest was not your fault. They would have found something to condemn you… They always did when they wanted to.”

Otto’s rational words didn’t change much. Martin did know that he was right, but his guilt remained, together with that damn uncertainty…

“I have to find him… I have to figure out what happened with him.” He hadn’t known that this was what he wanted to tell Otto the whole night through, not till he said it.

He couldn’t go on like this any longer, or he would collapse sooner or later. But how to find someone who maybe was buried with hundreds of other anonymous victims? He hadn’t even a good reason to search for Wilhelm. He was not part of his family and nobody should know about their former relationship…

“I’ll do my best to help you and I’m glad you told me your story. Now I know that your aloof behaviour was not caused by me…” Otto whispered quietly.

“Of course, my bad behaviour is not your fault! I’m so sorry that you thought that…” Martin mumbled apologetically, but there was still the question of a strategy…

Otto seemed to know Martin’s thoughts. “What if we ask our patients? Only the ones in adequate condition, of course.”

Martin absolutely loved the sparkle in Otto’s eyes. “And what if they ask us, why we want to know?” He asked a bit restrained. He didn’t want to get Otto in trouble.

“Friends are searching for their missed family member.” Otto answered like a bullet out of a gun. Yes, he had always been good at lying without blushing.

Martin nodded slowly. “Thank you. Thank you so much that you are always there for me. I love you, Otto.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :)  
> I’m sorry that you had to wait for so long for the new chapter. The semester started last week, so there was a lot to manage.   
> I`m not sure how much time will be left for writing between lectures and tons of homework, but I try to do my best.  
> I would like to hear your opinion of this chapter.  
> Have a nice day/ evening!

Some days had passed since the night, Martin and Otto had spent in the attic, talking about Wilhelm. These last days had been kind of uneventful which was hard to bear for Martin. None of their patients knew Wilhelm… Or didn’t want to remember, at least. Some of them hadn’t even answered the question and Martin couldn’t blame them for their reaction but it didn’t make his situation easier… The young nurse had barely slept in the last few days, the pictures of a half-starved or dead Wilhelm had haunted him…

Martin stared into the small mirror in their flat’s bathroom. He had to admit that the absence of sleep had left its mark on his face. No surprise that Otto looked so concerned whenever they saw each other which not as often as usual because Otto had had some nightshifts this week. Martin could hear his boyfriend’s silent snoring through the thin wooden door and wished he could sleep as calmly as Otto. Maybe he would have slept better himself if he hadn’t been alone?

Martin sighed, closed his eyes for a second and left the bathroom a moment later. His shift would start in a few minutes. Just when Martin was about to open the flat’s door, a piece of paper laying on the chest of drawers caught his eye.

“My dear,  
If you could understand how much the universe loves you,  
And how much the universe has given you,  
You would find it impossible to have an ounce of sadness in your bones ever again.” (*)

Martin couldn’t help but smile when he recognised Otto’s handwriting. Yes, his boyfriend really exerted himself for him, feeling better and Martin loved him for it. Slowly, Martin turned his head a bit and looked at his peacefully sleeping beloved and was once more grateful for having him. Maybe he was the only reason why Martin was still there?

The next hours kept Martin busy and he cursed himself for not having slept enough. He wished to be in his warm bed, next to Otto, his strong arms around him, giving him the security, he needed. _Stop it. Concentrate on your work, Schelling!_ And at the same moment, he collided with someone.

The freshly cleaned surgical instruments, Martin had carried, fell to the ground. Dammit. It would take some hours to do the whole cleaning and disinfecting process again!

“I’m so sorry! Is everything alright?” Martin asked the raw-boned man in front of him as apologetically as possible. The man nodded and bent down as if he wanted to pick the instruments up. Martin took his breath to intervene immediately, but the head nurse who entered the hallway in that moment was faster.

“Please excuse the inconvenience.” Nurse Helga said politely but the look in her eyes made Martin worry about the consequences his mistake would entail. It had not been the first one in the last few days… His pulse raced as he knelt down to pick the instruments up.

“Martin, tidy up the mess and I’ll see you in Sauerbruch’s office afterwards.” She added harshly and Martin just nodded. Any protest would be pointless anyway.

“It was not his fault. I was lost in thought and didn’t see him. I’m sorry.” The unknown said quietly, maybe even timidly.

Martin raised his head a bit confused. He was sure that _he_ had been the one not noticing anything of his environment while walking through the corridor. Nurse Helga’s face softened a bit and Martin felt nothing else than gratitude for the other man, who nodded briefly and left without saying any further words.

Martin’s brain still tried to understand what had happened in the past minutes when the nurses voice reached his ears. “Don’t sit on the floor as if you are frozen and stop trying to arouse my pity. Missing a leg is no excuse, so go ahead!”

What? Martin had _never_ used his disability as an excuse nor had he tried to arouse anyone’s pity. On the contrary, he always wished to be treated like everyone else! Martin wanted to contradict but Helga was already gone.

Martin and the head nurse had never been the best of friends, but she had never been this snappish before. What was going on today? The young nurse swallowed his anger and tried to avoid the thought of what would happen at Sauerbruch’s office soon. The boss wouldn’t be amused when he learned about Martin’s mistakes…

Shivers ran down his spine when he picked up the instruments and brought them to where they came from. Should he clean and disinfect them right now, or should he first go to Sauerbruch? Nurse Helga’s instruction hadn’t been that clear… Well, sooner rather than later seemed to make sense in this case, so Martin sighed and set off. It felt like he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, even if nobody led him in fact… Martin arrived at his boss’ office and felt completely weak. He had never wanted to disappoint anyone. 

Muted voices were audible through the closed door. Of course, he tried not to listen, but he was far too nervous to keep himself from eavesdrop. Martin’s pulse started to race even more when he recognised Helga’s voice, but her words were too quiet to understand. Was she talking about him? Suddenly a much louder voice interrupted her. Sauerbruch. “Nurse Helga, there is no place for envy at Charité, especially not in times we need every strength to cope with the current situation. If you can’t accept my new responsibility assignment, you are free to resign.”

Martin was even more confused now. Which new responsibility resignment? There was no chance to think more clearly about what he had heard, because the door was thrown open and Nurse Helga rushed out, giving him a baleful glance. If looks could kill, Martin was sure that he would have dropped dead immediately and he was glad when she had passed by.

“Ah, Martin. Please come in, I wanted to talk to you anyway.” Sauerbruch explained when he spotted Martin standing in the hallway irresolutely. The letter gathered his courage while taking a deep breath and entered the professor’s office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (*) I found this small text on the internet and thought it was suitable for this situation. As far as I know, a certain RH Fowler wrote it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it took me so long to write this chapter. I started to write it in English first, as I did with the last chapters but it felt like I had very limited options to express what I wanted to say and got stuck after Martin’s part. After a few days, I decided to switch to German and write down what I wanted to say and translate it afterwards which was much easier. I hope my sentences don’t sound too German…

“Martin, I don’t have much time, so I’ll keep it short. Do you know that Nurse Theresa is going to leave Charité?” Sauerbruch asked and Martin’s heartrate sped up again. Of course, he knew that the feisty lady was no longer able to do her work properly. She had become very forgetful over the last few months and Sauerbruch, as well as other doctors had decided that it would be better if she retired soon. Did the boss want to tell him that he wasn’t reliable enough as well? Has Martin made too many mistakes himself? Somehow, Martin knew that this thought was nonsense, but in that moment, everything seemed to be possible to his nervous brain. Martin felt queasy when he nodded slowly.

“I want you to take over more responsibility on the ward. I need a knew assistant trainer for the young nurses.” Martin didn’t say a word. His brain needed some more seconds to understand that Sauerburch did not want to make him leave but offered him a promotion instead. “Your new task will start tomorrow. Lene will show you the ropes, so Nurse Theresa is relieved immediately.”

Tomorrow? Martin wasn’t even sure if he wanted to do the new job at all. Working with the trainees meant inevitably more communication and he was sure that there were definitely more qualified nurses on the ward…

“I feel honoured, professor, but… I…” Martin didn’t know how to continue his sentence, so he became silent. A small smile appeared on Sauerbruch’s face. “Great, then come here tomorrow morning at 7 o’ clock, dead on time.” And with those words, Sauerbruch opened the door and left the office.

\---

The rest of Martin’s shift was kind of uneventful. Cleaning the surgical instruments took most of the time and Martin was quite glad about it, because it meant that there were not many other people around. The monotonous work was definitely not rocket science and usually helped Martin to tune out everything around him. The young nurse wondered once again if he really was the right one for training others. He really enjoyed silent moments like this…

Martin was already on his way home, meaning halfway up the stairs leading to his flat, when a sharp voice called him back. Nurse Helga. “Martin, nobody told you that you are finished yet. Meier, Schulte and Becker need fresh wound dressings and afterwards you go and check on how many compresses are left.” She prompted harshly and didn’t make her anger a secret.

“Nurse Helga, my shift is over and there are enough other nurses who can do the necessary tasks as well.” Martin replied acid-tongued. He was too tired and hungry to be as polite as usually. The worst thing about overtime was not the additional work, but that he lost some of the valuable hours he could spend with Otto tonight. “This decision is not up to you, so do your job!” Helga behaved completely different than usually. She had always been very strict, but never unfair like that. “I’ll change the dressings, but there are enough compresses for the next two days, at least.” Martin rarely refused to follow instructions but enough was enough and he wouldn’t let himself be pushed around.

***

Otto was concerned when he looked at the small wall clock. Martin should have arrived already since his shift had ended one hour ago. Overtime was not uncommon in these days but usually there was not much work to do on Sunday evenings like this. Furthermore, Otto and Martin tried to finish right on time when they had different working hours. Or was that the whole point? Did Martin not want to come home and tried to avoid Otto? This thought was painful. It felt like Martin had tried to keep him at distance and Otto didn’t know how to overcome the walls around his boyfriend. The end of the war had, indeed, caused unforeseeable consequences. It seemed like the fact that everything was not about the very surviving anymore, had pulled the rug from under Martin’s feet and Otto didn’t know how to help his boyfriend out of the deep hole made of guilt and suppressed grief. He didn’t even know if Martin needed more time for himself or if he needed somebody by his side who put his arms around him and was just there for him. Martin’s behaviour had been very ambiguous in the last few days. For example, Martin had hugged Otto for a second but had carefully pushed him away right in the next moment… It was painful for Otto not to know how he could help Martin. The young doctor wondered if Martin sat on the attic at this moment, looking down on the destroyed city. 

Just when Otto had decided to go to the attic, he heard the sound of the key in the keyhole and the door was opened only some seconds later. A tired looking Martin entered the flat quietly. His hair was untypically tousled, and Otto noticed worriedly that he must have lost some weight… Almost everyone would only recognise the weariness on Martin’s face, but Otto identified some other emotions as well. There was the well-known restlessness of the last weeks, mixed with anger and… confusion?

“Where have you been so long? I was starting to get worried.” When Martin lowered his head sheepishly, Otto wished that he had greeted his boyfriend with different words. “Sorry, changing the dressings took longer.” Martin mumbled when he sat down opposite to Otto. The young doctor noticed some more anger in his boyfriend’s eyes.

“Martin, what happened?” Martin ran his hand over his face. “Helga has a problem with me… and Sauerbruch wants me as assistant trainer.”

Oh of course. That made sense. A small smile appeared on Otto’s face. He was sure that the young nurses could learn a lot from the always polite and sympathetic Martin who never complained about unpleasant duties. On the other hand, the task would be a challenge for the close-lipped nurse as well…

“I think, Sauerbruch made a good choice.” Martin raised his head doubtfully. “You will do a good job, believe me. And Nurse Helga… She will calm down soon, but I’m sorry that you have to bear the brunt of her disappointment.” Otto added and gave him an encouraging smile. “Why should she be disappointed?” Martin asked a bit bemused. “Her daughter applied for the job as assistant trainer, did Sauerbruch not mention that? He prefers his own staff for the task because he knows on what he can rely, then.”

Martin looked a bit taken aback for a moment. “You knew that I should get the job I never even applied for?” His voice sounded a bit accusatory and Otto shook his head slightly. “No, Sauerbruch didn’t reveal who he meant, but now I think it’s no surprise that he wanted you as assistant trainer. You are one of the most reliable nurses.” Martin snorted quietly but didn’t answer and just grabbed a slice of bread Otto had cut off some minutes ago. Otto looked at his boyfriend aggrievedly. How could he help Martin? They ate in silence. It seemed like Martin didn’t want to talk and Otto respected that wish. Well, what should he have done instead?

Martin cleared the table in silence and went to the bathroom afterwards. Otto sighed and stood up to do the dishes. Something had to change. They had to find Wilhelm! 

Otto had just put the last plate away when Martin left the bathroom in his pyjamas. It was still early in the evening, but it was more than obvious that Martin needed some sleep urgently. For a moment, Otto thought about starting a conversation but dismissed the thought only a few seconds later. He didn’t really know what to say…

Martin groaned quietly when he flopped onto the bed and began with his evening routine. A curse left his mouth when he just had taken off his prosthesis. “What’s up?” Otto asked immediately, a bit alarmed. “The boracic ointment is empty.” And with these words, Martin started to get up again. “Wait, let me help you!” Otto hurried to fetch a new tin from their store cupboard. “You should ask Heim for supply. This is the last one and I don’t know, when there is a new delivery for the prosthesis workshop.” Otto tried to sound jauntily. “May I…?” Otto pointed at Martin’s stump, when he arrived at the bed. At first, it seemed like Martin wanted to reject the offer peevishly, but then he just sighed quietly and nodded instead.

Otto got himself a chair and sat down in front of his boyfriend. The young doctor opened the cream jar and started to spread a bit of the white substance on Martin’s residual limb. Otto was relieved because he didn’t find a hint that Martin had hurt himself on purpose again… The young man massaged the tensed muscles with skilled movements, making Martin groan quietly. Those muscle tensions had to be quite painful…

A few minutes later, Otto decided that it would be enough for today, caressed the knotty scar tissue gently before leaning in slowly and kissing Martin carefully. The nurse should know that he was not alone, and Otto needed the feeling of the other’s warm lips against his own. It seemed like Martin felt the same because he dragged Otto closer.

“You should go to sleep, darling.” Otto whispered when he noticed that Martin’s eyes started to close. Martin just hummed approvingly and crawled under the covers. Otto stroked Martin’s tousled hair affectionately and just wanted to go back to the table when Martin grabbed for his hand.

“Please stay!” Martin mumbled into the pillow and Otto’s heart cramped a bit when he noticed the anxious sound of his boyfriend’s voice. How could he leave Martin alone in less than one hour, when his own shift started? “Of course, I’m with you!” Otto climbed over Martin, lay down on his side of the bed and took Martin in his arms. He had missed this feeling…

As complicated and painful this whole situation was for Otto, he knew that it was much harder to bear for Martin…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think there is not much going on in this chapter, but it felt like these scenes were important for Martin and Otto. Maybe I write to much about Martin’s prosthesis, maybe the part gets boring because those scenes appear in other stories as well (it was never my intention to “copy” parts), I don’t know. Ok, what I wanted to say: I think Martin’s evening routine fits perfectly in this situation and gives them both some silent minutes together where they realise that they need each other. I hope you can agree to that and enjoyed reading.  
> Have a nice day 😊


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a happy new year!

Martin was gently shaken awake in the next morning and grunted sleepily as he snuggled deeper into the cushions. He just wanted to go back to sleep!

“Martin, you have to get up. It’s quarter to seven already!”

His eyes shot open and he sat up hastily. How could it be this late if it felt like he had just gone to bed? 

“Good morning!” Otto smiled before kissing Martin gently. For a second, Martin forgot everything around him and the only thing that mattered was the feeling of Otto’s soft, warm lips against his own. But then, he remembered that he was late. Sauerbruch expected him to be on time and Martin didn’t want to displease him. The professor didn’t accept tardiness and a disgruntled Sauerbruch was no man to be trifled with. 

Hastily, Martin pushed Otto away, so he could get ready just to arrive at Sauerbruch’s office dead on time. The young nurse knocked semi-somnolent and was asked in nearly in an instant. 

“Morning, Martin. Look a bit tired. Does Marquardt make a noise at night?” Sauerbruch greeted after Martin entered. The nurse shook his head slightly. “He worked night shift.” 

For a moment, his boss looked Martin over. “Well, there won’t be more time off with your new task, just a bit more money. Miss Fritsch hasn’t arrived yet, so the paperwork has to wait.”

A tentative knocking interrupted Sauerbruch.

“Ah, perfect. Come in!” Sauerbruch exclaimed, whereupon the door was opened slowly. Martin who had expected Nurse Lene looked surprised at the person standing in the doorway. The raw-boned man was not entirely foreign to Martin.

“One of my most talented students!” Sauerbruch greeted the man, Martin had collided with the day before.

Martin lowered his head ashamedly and shifted from one foot to the other uneasily. Had this man maybe changed his mind and decided to complain about Martin after all? Martin glanced at him furtively but, to his relief, couldn’t find any hint of anger on the narrow face. There had to be another reason for his presence, but Martin still felt a trace of insecurity.

“Professor Sauerbruch, I really have to thank you again for your support, it means a lot to me.” The raw-boned man explained.

“I would prefer seeing you in my lectures and in the OR afterwards, but Heim is pleased about assistance as well.”

Martin didn’t miss the painful expression on the man’s face during Sauerbruch’s words. It was just a small change, but it was definitely visible. Martin wondered why the other one might have quitted studying under Sauerbruch’s supervision. Lacking talent seemed definitely not to be a reason… Martin tried to suppress the thought as fast as possible. This was none of his business and he had truly enough problems of his own.

“Martin, take Kirchhoff to Heim and report for duty on the ward afterwards. Lene will wait for you.”

The nurse nodded obediently and implied Kirchhoff to follow him. A discomforting silence occurred as they walked through the corridor together.

Martin felt still torn between surprise, curiosity, relief, and embarrassment. “Sorry ‘bout yesterday.” He blurted out after they had walked a few meters.

The scraggy man shrugged. “No harm has been done… and I wasn’t completely innocent as well…”

Martin nodded slightly. “We have to turn right here.”

“I know. Then just straight ahead and the next-to-last door is the one of the prosthesis workshop… This part of Charité hasn’t changed too much in the last few years…” A shadow seemed to flit across Kirchhoff’s face again. “Sauerbruch meant it well but you don’t have to accompany me.” He added and smiled tiredly at Martin.

Kirchhoff’s eyes looked dull and nearly dead. An expression Martin had seen so often in the last few months on the ward. An expression that was terribly familiar to Martin himself. The war had really left its mark on everyone…

“It’s ok, I have to talk to Heim anyway.”

They walked on in silence until they arrived at the workshop. The door was open, and Heim motioned them in, a pleased smile on his lips.  
“A new assistant at last! I would have seen myself forced to extend my working hours instead, to keep up with all the orders that were coming in.”

Martin waited a bit in embarrassment as Heim and Kirchhoff introduced themselves.

“Martin, what’s up?”  
“My store of boracic ointment will be used up soon. Wanted to ask when the next supply will arrive.”

Heim sighed quietly. “Hard to say, all supplies are delayed and there’s a high demand at Charité as well. I’ll see what I can do for you, though… But now that you are here, I can have a look at your prosthesis. It’s been a while since your last check-up.”

“I’m expected on the ward. After my shift would be better.”  
“But please be here before closing time!”

Martin nodded, took leave, and went to work.

His workday passed quickly, much to Martin’s own surprise. His new task kept him busy, so there was no time to think about Wilhelm but nevertheless, he was glad that his shift would end in only a few minutes. Maybe he could spend some more light-hearted hours with Otto today. He really hoped for it…

“Martin, please bring the dressing material to the OR and file the reports away afterwards.” Nurse Lene instructed, and Martin sighed. He could see the pile of reports in his mind’s eye and knew that he would never arrive at the prosthesis workshop before Heim’s closing time.

“Can you find somebody else for this? I’ve got an appointment with Heim in a moment and wanted to be on time. I’ve kept him waiting many other times…”

Martin just waited for Lene to look at him indifferently and insist on him to do the task nonetheless, but she shrugged instead.

“Well, have a nice evening then. You didn’t have much time for lunch break, so you are allowed to go earlier, but don’t get used to it.” Lene smiled and Martin looked at her a bit surprised. “Off with you, before I change my mind!”

Just a few minutes later, Martin sat on one of the workbenches at the workshop while Heim checked if the prosthetic was properly held in place. Martin knew the process quite well by now, but Kirchhoff’s presence set his nerves on edge. Martin didn’t have a personal problem with the man who listened carefully to Heim and seemed to possess a lot of knowledge. No, the problem was rather that Martin, after all these years, still felt uneasy about taking off his wooden leg and revealing his scarred stump in front of strangers. Martin felt completely exposed when Heim loosened the laces dexterously and set the prosthesis aside. _‘Pull yourself together, Schelling!’_

Martin tried to think about something different. Otto’s arms around him, Otto’s lips against his own and Martin felt more comfortable within a second. But then, just a few moments later, another picture of Otto appeared in his mind’s eye. The picture of a shot Otto, lying on the attic, writhing in pain and soon Otto was replaced by a famished Wilhelm.

Martin’s pulse was racing, when he tried to suppress those thoughts frantically, but it didn’t really work.

“Martin, have you listened to anything that I’ve said?” Heim’s words sounded as if they came from far away.

“What?” Martin wasn’t able to bring himself to say anything else.  
“Is everything all right?”   
Martin squinted his eyes and the picture of Wilhelm vanished.  
“Yes, everything’s ok.” 

Heim seemed not to be convinced and even Kirchhoff looked askance at him.

“Well… Please be more careful with the laces in future, for your prosthesis’ and your own sake. If one of the holes tears, it can take some time until I get suitable material to fix it.”

Martin nodded a bit ashamedly when he put on his prosthesis. He made sure that he didn’t tie it up as firmly as he had used to do in the last few weeks. There were so many veterans waiting for provisional prostheses and Martin didn’t handle his high-quality wooden leg with the required carefulness, risked an unnecessary repair, just to cope with his sense of guilt. But this fact again increased his feeling of guilt. It was a vicious cycle…

“Then, have a nice evening, Martin.”   
Martin nodded a bit absent minded to Heim and Kirchhoff and headed out for home, so he missed what happened afterwards in the workshop, especially that Kirchhoff hesitated for a second when Heim asked him to get the file of Martin Schelling to record the check-up.


	7. Chapter 7

The next evening, Martin sat sorrowfully at the dining table of the small flat and stared into space. Maybe he just had to accept that he would never find out what had happened to Wilhelm. In the end, he couldn’t change the past anyway, no matter how badly he wished he could. Nevertheless, Martin knew that he would never be able to forget Wilhelm. He had loved him, more than anything else back then. Wilhelm’s hazel eyes were engraved on Martin’s memory, the way they had started to shine every time they had been alone… But this was the past. Far away and unattainable.

Martin really whished to be able to turn back time, whished he hadn’t tried to look in on Wilhelm on that fateful day. If they had never been arrested, maybe they would spend time together at Wilhelm’s flat instead, after a shift at the factory that seemed almost like an eternity. Provided that they both had survived the war and the front, of course.

But Martin never would have met Otto under those circumstances. A life without Otto, without his gentle touch, without his habit to clown around and without his vitality. Just the idea was too painful.

Hazel eyes or royal blue ones. Wilhelm or Otto.

Martin buried his face in his hands. What would his life be without Otto and his beautiful smile? Martin was sure that his life would have been much darker and more cheerless without his companion. Otto was the most valuable thing Martin had and he would never let him go again. Martin wanted to spend the rest of his life together with Otto, but there was still a part of his heart, Otto would never have access to. Wilhelm would be a part of Martin forever, even though the uncertainty was incredibly painful…

A knocking at the door jolted Martin out of his thoughts. He looked up with a frown. He didn’t expect visitors and Otto had just set off a little while ago to pick up some groceries which was a time-consuming task due to the tight supply situation. Aside from that, Otto had taken his keys with him…

Martin stood up with a sigh and went to the door to open it.

A few seconds later, he looked surprisedly into Kirchhoff’s narrow face.

“Sorry to bother you… Can I come in for a second?” The latter asked a bit bashfully, before looking around the corridor uneasily.

“Er, yes.” Martin admitted him to his flat and closed the door behind them.

Martin wasn’t able to make head of Kirchhoff’s visit.

“Heim sends me. The supply of boracic ointment arrived today, surprisingly.” Kirchhoff explained and handed Martin one of the tins.

“Thank you.” The nurse took the tin astonishedly. Heim had never dropped something off for him, especially not when it was about something that could have waited much longer without any difficulty.

There was complete silence for a moment, but Kirchhoff’s words made Martin wince. The raw-boned man had only said two words, meaningless for everybody else, just the name of a factory in Berlin and the name of a street which was not far away from there. But for Martin, this combination of words mattered, of course. It was a special address. It was Wilhelm’s.

“What… how… ?” Martin didn’t bring himself to say a complete sentence.

Kirchhoff was silent for a moment, his head lowered, and his face scrunched up.

“I met him…in hell on earth.” His voice was little more than a whisper.

Martin’s breathing quickened uncontrollably. This man knew Wilhelm! Hope as well as terrible fear grew in him. Perhaps this man knew what had happened to Wilhelm!

“Is he…?” Martin wasn’t able to express a complete question. The chaos of his thoughts and feelings made it impossible.

Suddenly, Kirchhoff’s face seemed to be completely expressionless. Wordlessly, he handed Martin an envelope. Martin took it with trembling fingers. Kirchhoff withdrew his hand, turned around and left the room hastily.

Martin was rooted to the spot, stared at the envelope in his hands and hardly managed to control his breathing.

He would find out what had happened to Wilhelm, he just had to open the envelope and read what was inside.

This seemed to be so easy but actually it turned out to be very difficult.

The contending feelings nearly drove Martin crazy. A part of him wanted to open the crumpled envelope immediately in hope of finding evidence that Wilhelm was still alive, but another part of him was too anxious. He was afraid of the probably shattering truth. Martin was afraid of the eventuality that Wilhelm was dead, and _he_ was to blame for it.

But had the arrest really been his fault? He hadn’t made the law. He hadn’t come up with the national socialistic lunacy. But nevertheless, Wilhelm would rather be alive without him.

Martin limped over to his bed and dropped onto it, the unopened envelope still in his hands.

A crumb of hope started to grow again, and it took over his mind in no time.

Martin didn’t want this hope. He tried to keep telling himself that Wilhelm couldn’t have survived such a long time as a concentration camp prisoner. He knew that the more he hoped, the more painful the truth on this paper would be.

But maybe the envelope didn’t even contain any information about Wilhelm’s whereabouts. Maybe he had ended in a mass grave as one of hundreds and this letter was just a meaningless piece of paper.

There was only one possibility to find that out. Martin had to read the letter.

Just some minutes ago, Martin had wished to receive only a tiny hint, but now that he had gotten this letter, he wasn’t even sure anymore if he wanted to find out what had happened to his very first boyfriend.

Martin turned the envelope in his hands. It looked a bit battered.

Slowly, Martin pushed a finger under the flap, took a deep breath and ripped the envelope open. With still trembling hands he removed the piece of paper and unfolded it.

A strange sound escaped his lips when he caught sight of the filigree and artistic handwriting. It was Wilhelm’s handwriting, without any doubt.

Martin’s gaze flickered over the lines, too agitated to bring the neat letters in an appropriate order. Martin closed his eyes for a moment and kept telling himself that he should not hold out any hopes. He tried to collect his thoughts, opened his eyes, and started to read.

_Dear M,  
The thought that you may read this letter one day makes me happy. Nothing else on this world makes me this happy because it means that you are alive. Just for this short moment, I imagine that you survived the last years unscathed, that you have a roof over your head and maybe even a work that makes you happier than the factory work back then. But this thought doesn’t last long, like always. My fear of the cruel reality is too strong. I had you in my mind every night and every night I was afraid for you. I was afraid of what they could have done to you after our arrest and I was afraid of the possibility that you might believe that it has been your fault. I know that you wanted to look in on me. For a short moment, I saw you through the kitchen window as they wanted to lead me off. I could see the horror and the guilt on your face, even if no commissar would have noticed, because you have always been good at hiding your thoughts and feelings… I don’t know who denounced us, but I know that your arrival has not been the only decisive reason for our arrest. Do you remember the drawing I showed you some days after the first time we met? I kept it against all reason. It would have felt so wrong to throw it away, because I loved you, and the sketch of you way too much. One of the officers found it… I’m so sorry M. I jeopardized your life, and I am not able to forgive myself. The idea that I might be to blame for your death brings me to a state of near despair, as well as the idea that you put the blame for our fate on yourself, if you are still alive. I write this letter in the hope that you will read it one day and realize that it hasn’t been your fault. I would give anything to see you only one more time, to feel your arms around me, and to hear your voice and your laughter. But I know that this won’t be possible. My strength wanes from hour to hour, my body is too tired to keep me alive and it won’t take long until I will leave this world forever. This is why I want you to know, M: I love you with every fibre of my being and from the bottom of my heart.  
Wilhelm  
_

Martin stared at the words that had gotten rather spidery towards the end of the letter. Somebody had added a date in the bottom right corner and Martin knew immediately what it meant.

Wilhelm was dead.

This certainty was painful, and it cut the ground from under his feet.

Actually, Martin had expected such a message, but to know that it was the inescapable reality was something completely different…

Hour after hour went by and Martin didn’t even notice. He just sat on his bed, looked at the piece of paper in his hand and was unable to do anything.

Eventually, the door was opened, and Otto entered. He put something down and went over to Martin.

The young nurse barely noticed the fingers that tousled his hair fondly.

“What’s up, Martin?” Otto asked quietly after a few moments.

Martin’s hands cramped and a sob escaped him, so it took him quite a while to answer the question.

“He’s dead.” His words were little more than a hoarse caw, but they changed something in him. All of a sudden, the tears started to roll down his face and dropped on the paper, so some letters got blurred and the paper became sodden.

Otto took the letter carefully, put it aside and put his arms around his violently sobbing boyfriend. Martin dug his fingers into Otto’s shirt, pulled him closer and gave full vent to his feelings.

Wilhelm had loved him till the end.

Martins first love had died only a few months ago and with him the possibility to speak to him one last time. It was painful. The hope of a reunion was nipped in the bud…

Somewhere in his heart, deep under the pain, it did Martin good to know that Wilhelm didn’t blame him. Even if Martin would never get rid of the feeling of guilt, this letter was evidence that he would have never been able to prevent their arrest…

Otto gently stroked Martin’s back, hold him in his arms but kept silent and Martin appreciated it. Not even the most beautiful words could have changed anything about Wilhelm’s death.

Gradually, Martin’s sobbing faded and only a slight hiccup was left behind. Gently, Otto wiped the tears off Martin’s face.

All of a sudden, Martin felt much more light-hearted than he had done the last few months. Somehow, the certainty, as painful as it was, was liberating as well, but it would take a long time until he would come to terms with his past and Wilhelm’s death.  
Slowly, Otto got up from his kneeling position and sat on the bed next to Martin. He put an arm around his boyfriend and pulled him closer again. They just sat on the bed, snuggled up, in silence.

“Thank you, that you’re here for me.” Martin whispered after some minutes. He wasn’t alone. Otto was with him and Martin was sure that he would help him through this tough time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to finish this little fanfiction at this point.  
> Thanks to everyone who read it despite all the grammatical errors.  
> I hope that you enjoyed it at least a little bit.
> 
> Have a nice day and stay safe!


End file.
